Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
