I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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