don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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