I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
