You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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