So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
