Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
