Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
