I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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