So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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