Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
