so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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