woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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