the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
