Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
