god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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