she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
