Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
