You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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