please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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