I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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