We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
