im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
