all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
