Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
