i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
