I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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