i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
