insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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