capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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