I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
