No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize