Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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