how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
