she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
