she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
