Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
