I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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