I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize