ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
