okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
