When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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