I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
