i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
