Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
