Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
