win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
