how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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