We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
