What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Even my vagina gasped.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
