come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
