Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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