I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
