this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize