hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
