you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
