mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
