just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize