I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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