I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
