if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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