Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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